Category Archive

1. You’re allowed to excommunicate any friend who turns the group text green.

1. You aren’t allowed to call yourself a foodie if you have self-imposed dietary restrictions.

1. Get a real estate agent to take your dick pics.

1. Everybody likes getting choked. Some people don’t like being choked from the front, but they like it from the back and call it a “massage.”

1. If there’s a “free shipping” sale online, don’t go ham. Copping many jawns is a waste of a shipsale. Big cops already come with free postage anyway, so now’s your time to snag just one grailpiece.

1. If you’re gonna turn up on a weekday, lay out a super nice outfit for the next day. Roll out of bed hung over and slip a fit on. Everybody will be too busy complimenting you to notice the Filsons under your eyes.

1. Once a month, use the word “cooter” around someone you love. Document their reactions and keep them in a safe journal for a few years. Write a dissertation on your findings. I pray that with time, cooter could become the c-word our society so desperately needs.

1. Any time you read something online, check the comments for the nerd who disproves everything.

1. Never post a selfie from inside a dressing room.

1. “ATM machine” is redundant. “PIN number” is redundant. “Hot water heater” is just batshit.