1. Once a month, use the word “cooter” around someone you love. Document their reactions and keep them in a safe journal for a few years. Write a dissertation on your findings. I pray that with time, cooter could become the c-word our society so desperately needs.
2. If you make eye contact with a stranger and it’s taking more than 5 seconds to break, just wave at them.
3. Strawberries taste so much better at room temperature. Cold strobbies hurt your teeth and taste 100% less luxurious. Also, it’s strawberry season. Now’s the time to get some. Not later! Now!
4. You can spend hours on months on years trying to make some internet dollars, or you can do some big boy work and make like… several thousand more dollars in a year. Ask for a raise. Buy some stocks. Just because you heard about a handful of luckies get insta-rich doesn’t mean that real estate ain’t LUCRATIVE AF.
5. Stay away from anyone whose Instagram name starts with “miss”
6. If you need an “adult coloring book” to reignite your sense of childhood wonder, give up. You’re too far gone if you’re still designating activities between those in which adults are or aren’t allowed to partake.
7. If you pay money to do one of those extreme obstacle courses, you’re lurly being given a run for your money.
8. The worst part about large accidental sounds is the subsequent cacophony. Loud feedback? The crowd collectively shrieks. Bang something at the office? Your coworkers all shout “woah!” Listen. I already endured one auditory assault. Don’t double down.
9. Every time you think it might be fun to start making YouTube videos, watch a h3h3 and remember that the site is full of trash water garbage people.
10. If you’re repeatedly falling into the same thirst trap, politely yet firmly ask the trapper to block you. You’ll either get a lifetime shot, or shot down for a lifetime.
11. Eating two breakfasts feels one hundred percent more luxurious than eating a fancy dinner.
12. Posting about your life every day makes it easy to assume your friends are keeping up with you. BUT THEY AIN’T!
13. Take your white laundry to a professional one time, and if it comes back sparklier than you could ever imagine, take it there all the time.
14. Craft a word bank of 3-5 swear words and 2-3 normal words. Remember these words. Keep them on your tongue’s tip at all moments. Whenever you feel like giga-swearing, mish-mash ’em all up into a startling string. F*CK MY SWEET BOY CORN P**SY
15. If you know your family is going to be seeing something vulgar you did, try your best to censor it. (Sorry, dad. But at the same time, this is your last warning. It’s only going to get worse from here on out. A lot worse. Stop coming here! Leave my sweet corn boy ass alone!)