1. If there’s a “free shipping” sale online, don’t go ham. Copping many jawns is a waste of a shipsale. Big cops already come with free postage anyway, so now’s your time to snag just one grailpiece.
2. If you like something that goes away, reach out to the producer. I’ve gotten a mixtape from a guy who went to jail and took his streaming services down. In fact, the only reason this post is being written right now is because someone messaged me praying for new DIs.
3. Hindsight is 20/20. I ate cheap sushi last night and now my hind shite is plenty plenty.
4. Opinions are like assholes. If you spread yours too much they lose efficacy.
5. If you come up with a really good idea right before bed, don’t let yourself convince yourself that you’ll remember it in the morning. Roll over and type it into your notepad.
6. If you eat like shit, your genitals taste like shit. If this applies to you, I bet you’re already thinking “yeah but no, not me…” WRONG! Eat whole foods. Drink water. Lay off the Taco Bell and you might get licked more.
7. There is a space for notes in each of your iphone’s contacts. This is where you write down each girl’s lingerie sizes and favorite flower, for when she sees the notes for everyone else in your phone.
8. You can’t blame the incompatibility of two people on one person.
9. Don’t have sex with a girl without first making a “we had sex” geofilter for the next morning
10. Don’t stand up immediately after your flight lands. It doesn’t get you out any faster. It just puts asses on faces and makes everyone tense up.
11. Having a signature emoji that everyone knows you for using frequently says more about how boring you are than it does for how cool you are.
12. Don’t join a Trap & Skeet Club. It’s not what you think it is.
13. Even if you’re a registered nurse at an intensive care unit, don’t put ICU RN on your profile. It’s suuuuper creepy.
14. If you don’t think the picture for this post looks like an Animorph of a geodesic dome turning into an adolescent girl, you have my full permission to never come back here again.