1. Get a real estate agent to take your dick pics.
2. When girls in the future ironically dress up as 2010’s stereotypes, they will have comically greasy cheeks.
3. There is no right answer when it comes to politics. Anyone who insists there is an answer is a very wrong dumdum, no matter which side they’re on.
4. If you get a gas stove, you’ll never need a toaster.
5. Just because you’ve been subscribed to a podcast for years doesn’t mean you can’t unsubscribe. The same rule goes for TV shows you’re halfway into binge-watching.
6. Bling your ISP every 12 months and tell them to lower your price.
7. Hold a viking funeral for your dying material possessions. Take that sound system that’s on its last legs, and blow it the fuck out at a dance party.
8. Donate blood. Do it as much as you can. Just donate a shit ton of blood, and then double down, cause I’m way too much of a pussy to donate blood.
9. The neck and the cheek are the tastiest parts of an animal that still taste and feel like regular ol’ bodymeat.
10. Only the most atrocious monsters steal things which hold more value in the owner’s eye than anyone else’s.
11. Get on a plane to a new place alone. Stay with a relative stranger of the opposite sex. Spend the day with them, eat dinner together, get drunk, and sleep in the same bed. Show yourself how fulfilling it is to have a non-sexual relationship under otherwise romantic conditions, and your other relationships might benefit. Plus, now you have one more city that won’t require you to book a hotel room when you visit!
12. Ask for what you want.
13. People get grossed out when they think about eating bone marrow, but I think it’s because they imagine eating it straight up. When you imagine how great butter is, do you imagine chomping into a stick, or do you fantasize about its fatty majesty melting into a nook of crunchy bread?
14. Print out your boarding pass. Print it out every time. Why would you ever want a boarding pass that might malfunction?
15. People die all the time. Right now, someone just died. STATISTICALLY SPEAKING, some people are gonna die in funny ways. To say that death’s never funny is dumb and wrong.
16. Sometimes the best response to the grouptext is to rename the grouptext.
17. Nobody’s gotta eat corn. There’s already corn in everything else.
18. If a button busts off one of your jawnz, you’re allowed to toss it, but only if you first read the most recent article about some Bangladeshi garment factory burning down or something.
19. Learn how to sew a button.