1. Nobody deserves to eat Bar S Brand hot dogs.
2. If there is a contest that requires little effort and no forfeit of personal information, enter the contest. This includes all radio contests. Someone has to win, and there’s a small pool of entrants. I won a trip to Mexico last year from the radio, and you can too.
3. Get up, come on, get down with the thickness.
4. Make a keyboard shortcut in your phone, so typing “@@” auto-corrects to your email address.
5. Make a keyboard shortcut in your phone, so typing “omw” auto-corrects to “◕‿◕ ON MY WAAAAY! ◕‿◕”, so people always think you’re super excited to see them.
6. A good Halloween costume never came out of a plastic sleeve.
7. Some butts are big, and some butts are small. (But some butts are big tho…)
8. Hide money in your winter clothes before packing them away.
9. Make a playlist to flex whenever you’re around old people.
10. Grown men aren’t allowed to wear clip-on neckties, so why are they allowed to wear pre-tied bowties?
11. The worst snapchats in the world are silent and slow pans of some scenery.
12. You can buy an expensive mattress, and you can buy expensive sheets. But only one of the two flashes a tag and touches your skin.
13. Never “sing along” with an instrumental song.
14. Most of the time, you can replace “literally” with “without hyperbole”, and come across as the most genuine person in the room.
15. If you can’t handle touching raw meat because it “feels weird”, you probably don’t deserve to eat animals.
16. If the opportunity presents itself during some trip or vacation, buy a friendship bracelet– the kind that ties and doesn’t come off. They stick around for anywhere between a couple months and a couple years, and every time you notice it you’ll think of the moment you got it. Friendship bracelets are like slightly less permanent wedding rings. Best believe I copped one on that free Mexico trip.