1. lol is back en vogue. haha’s got one foot in the grave and the other on a hoverboard.
2. Coconut milk is bullshit and so is coconut water they are all the consistency of either cream or water and there’s no way to know which one you’re gonna get!
3. Loving a skinny woman is like being a deaf musician. Actually, I saved this as a note in my phone last week and I still don’t know what it was supposed to mean.
4. Maybe that awful horrible awkward memory of something you did when you were little that still makes you cringe would go away if you told it to a big group of people. Maybe it’ll just make it worse.
5. Backpacks should cover your back, not your ass. Tighten them straps.
6. If you like something a whole whole lot, you probably don’t need to get it tattooed onto yourself. Everybody already knows you like it.
7. If for any reason you are bleeding, make sure to swipe a line of blood under each eye.
8. You can sound like a super fancy asshole by calling plural things singular. That is a beautiful pant. What a superbly engineered scissor.
9. If someone compliments your shoes, just say “oh thanks”. Don’t go off about the brand or the discount you got ’em at. You’re already getting a free compliment. Don’t turn it into a whole thing.
10. Is there a swear word you’ve never said before? Maybe keep that one for a really special day.
11. If you ask for a dollar, you might get one.
12. The godliest virtue you can imbue is choosing hospitality over your own preferences. Alton Brown talks about a vegetarian who ate meatloaf at a dinner party, and it might as well be a bible verse.
13. Dining on fine cuisine in giant irreverent bites is the gastronomic equivalent of smashing your guitars on stage.
14. Gimme a dollar.