1. Date at least one graphic designer in your lifetime. Then, if any of your nudes ever leak in the future, you can blame your ex’s spite and photoshop skills.
2. You are not reality’s protagonist. (But maybe I am?)
3. There are simultaneously billions of people who would literally kill to be you, and a couple million who would kill themselves if they had to be you.
4. When it comes to Facebook event invitations, “Yes” means maybe, “Maybe” means no, and “No” means I don’t even like you.
5. You are the absolute epitome of at least one person’s very specific obsession.
6. Greeko De Gallo sounds a lot cooler than tabbouleh.
7. The only people complaining about millennials’ casual hookup culture are those who aren’t allowed to participate.
8. Right-swipe now, unmatch later.
9. Make a playlist that houses every song to which you know every single lyric. Disregard tempo and genre, and don’t try to set up a good progression. Make this playlist available offline. This playlist will save your life on a road trip, and it’s the quickest way to show your copilot how multifaceted your taste is.
10. If you deprive yourself of sugar for a long while, the whole world changes. Grapes become juicy gold nuggets, and soda turns into a muddy mouthful of stinging bees.
11. Keep up with an art blog or two.
12. If you start navigating to a website/app and you notice that your insides get all fluttery with excitement, that’s how you know it’s time to take a break. Look at yourself, man. You’re catchin’ feelings for pixels.
13. Make a friend that’s a lot older than you are. Make a friend that’s a lot younger than you are.
14. Dance as if you have diamonds at the meeting of your thighs.
15. If you’re not sure if flowers would weird her out, show up with a bouquet of balloons instead.
16. Candles ain’t girly, but most candle scents is. Go for shit like black pepper, tobacco, and a stanky type a wood.
17. Spending any moment of time obsessing over how happy you are that you aren’t looking at your phone is way worse than spending the same moment looking at your phone. Standing there reveling in your self-inflicted contrarian deprivation, it’s like taking ten selfies at once.
18. Never take a selfie without Natural Light™