1. “ATM machine” is redundant. “PIN number” is redundant. “Hot water heater” is just batshit.
2. There are tons of professionals who hate their jobs because nobody asks their expert opinion. Ask questions to shop owners! Always talk to the experts!
3. If anyone jacks your original content, just make more.
4. The closest thing humans have to objective factual truth is math, and we made that up.
5. The guy who got the richest during the gold rush sold shovels.
6. The all-black-except-the-colorful-tie look is for chambelanes and rental tux prom bros. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that people do this well into their adult lives. These are the same dudes who match the color of their baseball cap to the color of their sneakers, right?
7. Salmon is mad cheap if you buy fillets from the counter instead of the vacuum-sealed guys from the freezer. All you gotta do is take the bones out, and it’s easy as shit.
8. Jack some jawnz offa your dad. Cop the bow tie he was married in or the watch he graduated with. Bonus points for granddad swag.
9. If you have a gofundme for your hospital bills, you aren’t allowed to complain about socialism.
10. Don’t eat in front of someone without offering them summa yr nummies.
11. If you give enough (consenting) people unsolicited massages, you might get one back one day.
12. Not everything is yours to understand. Sometimes hot button issues are rightfully out of your grasp and should stay there.
13. Pizza delivery hotlines should ask you whether you want extra sauce on the side before you hang up. OF COURSE I WANT SAUCE ON THE SIDE BUT I’M TOO DRUNK TO REMEMBER THAT, OBVIOUSLY!
14. Sometimes you have to stick a foot in your maw just to make sure you don’t have a suppressed fetish.
15. Hazelnut is a pussy word. If you must, order a filbert latte. When the barista doesn’t understand, get pissed and leave.
16. Ask your friends to define your “type”. I asked mine, and among the descriptors was “small forehead”. Among the confusion and detestation, he sent a collage of exes that proved him right. Go figure.
17. If your hair is grey and your cheeks are big, gimme your address and favorite flower.