1. Never post a selfie from inside a dressing room.
2. Public enthusiasm isn’t a substitute for actual dedication. Posting every day about politics, social justice, or whatever your obsession du jour is doesn’t replace actual effort.
3. Always keep a tiny baggie of coke on your person. That way, if you’re ever caught in an embarrassing situation using a public toilet for a super long time, you have an alibi.
4. Before you start a new fitness regimen, fantasize about your goals all you want, but also define your limits. For me, I know I’ve gone too far if I ever buy a blender bottle.
6. Pre-made hard taco shells are an insult to all tacos. If you can’t bring yourself to go soft, pan-fry small tortillas and let them cool draped over the oven rack for DAT SHAPE.
7. Keep a list of all your favorite words.
8. If the guy you’re texting uses the super-pale hand emojis, he might be a white supremacist.
9. Buying a cookbook doesn’t make you a better cook. Buying a ton of spices doesn’t make you a better cook. Cooking a bunch of meals makes you a better cook.
10. The person in the super-fit AFTER photo still has to go home to their gross BEFORE-lookin-ass spouse.
11. Anyone who says “You’re not a real X unless you Y” is super sad and lonely. Send a pizza to their house, and avoid them for the rest of eternity.
12. Don’t bring a girl home if you’re not prepared to make her a bomb breakfast in the morning.
13. Make a playlist that makes everyone leave your house.
14. Keep citrus on deck. Seriously. Always keep it stashed, even if it’s just one orange or one lemon. A slice in the seltzer or some zest in the snackies is guaranteed to get you macked on.
15. You don’t have to be good at anything you don’t want to be. If someone tells you that you’re not a real man unless you know how to change your own oil, squirt your handy pocket-citrus in their eye.