1. Any time you read something online, check the comments for the nerd who disproves everything.
2. When you’re out of sriracha, glug some canola oil into the cashed bottle. Shake the oil into the sauce globs the bottle hoarded, and you’ve got a chili oil for cooking or seasoning. Try it on popcorn!
3. Bitches love concrete. Smear Ardex on just about anything and make a hoe’s wEtsy dreams come true.
4. Wanderlust might be the most annoying word of all time.
5. Buying a dog from any place other than a shelter is a dick move.
6. If you force yourself to stop filling space with hahas and lols, you’ll get better at texting shit that’s actually funny.
7. Blessed are those who enjoy Circle K java, unwaivering to the world’s Stumptowns and Blue Bottles, for even the most swagless of cretins shall rejoice in their preferences.
8. At the same time, you’re only allowed to be proud of your unpopular opinion if you’ve actually tried the top shelf alternatives to your beloved well-tier amenities.
9. There is no authority on how things should be pronounced. If you disagree, you should pronounce aluminum with a stupid invisible I like the English, who invented English.
10. Nobody will ever know for sure whether or not eggs are good for us.
11. Having a bunch of money will absolutely change your life. Still, if you spend all your energy chasing more, you’re annoying.
12. Having a bunch of followers will absolutely change your life. Still, if you spend all your energy chasing more, you’re annoying.
13. Be careful chasing after babes who love posting about how undateable they are. At some point, they’ll have to decide between their shtick and your stick.
14. Neil deGrasse Tyson is a dum dum doodoo head and I need absolutely everyone to get behind me on this one.
15. If you own an article of clothing that you specifically keep so that you can wear it one day out of every year, THROW THAT SHIT OUT!