1. You aren’t allowed to call yourself a foodie if you have self-imposed dietary restrictions.
2. Actually, under no circumstances are you allowed to call yourself a foodie.
3. Amazon doesn’t usually put add-on items near the top of your search results, but those are usually like a third of the price, and still eligible for Prime.
4. Bed squeaks are for bangin’ Jersey Club, not bangin’ babes. Skip the IKEA and build your own for half the price. Make the hardware store cut the wood for you. While we’re on the topic of Jersey, that shit’s for shirts, not sheets.
5. It’s called cooking. If you say you’re about to “meal prep”, you suck.
6. Whenever someone makes a Q&A video, ask them when they ran out of content
7. Quit buying water! Chicken stock in a box is the same as the concentrated pastes. The only difference is the boxed shit’s got water in it, making it harder to ship and spendier to buy. The same goes for shit like laundry detergent– buy the powder, not the water!
8. It’s important not to block and unfollow everyone who disagrees with you. You might need that perspective one day.
9. Don’t tell people that you’re gonna do something cool and good. Tell them you did it, after it’s done.
10. Do tell people what you want and like. I’ve got one self-proclaimed “titty freak” of a friend who regularly reminds everyone that his ideal boob looks like a Google map in traffic. Now that he’s navigated his way into the bosom of a busty new broad, I can look upon him with glowing son-like pride.
11. Homeownership is a super daddy cologne. Smelling like potting soil and pool chemicals makes me feel like a powerful man-bear.
12. If ya girl gets an employee discount, tie that shit to your online account. If y’all break up, you can dry your tears with the money you save for life.
13. Any social site that’ll verify someone with a username like “Fat Jew” and “Jerry Purpdrank” isn’t verifying much of anything.