1. You’re allowed to excommunicate any friend who turns the group text green.
2. Don’t let grandma find out, but sinning is lowkey lit as fuck.
3. If your account is set to private, and you’re using hashtags, you’re extremely fucking up.
4. Never ever subscribe to any media outlet that strictly produces content in accordance with your own beliefs.
5. Appearing confident in 2017 is as easy as removing “haha” from the end of all your texts.
6. Cuffing season doesn’t officially start until your coconut oil solidifies. If the oil’s a-flowin’, keep on a-hoe-in’.
7. Buy a house in Arizona. When California falls into the ocean, kick back and collect on your beachfront property.
8. It’s really easy to point out how shitty online content is these days, but it hasn’t been too long since we were all watching a loop that went BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER MUSHROOM MUSHROOM
9. If you use the phrase “just kidding” more than once per month, you are extremely bad at kidding.
10. Dwelling on old arguments is called beef stew.
11. You can get tall by jelqing your legs
12. If the media you’re consuming has 2 or more different watermarks, you’re not in a good place.
13. The “nobody’s perfect” expression is pretty eagerly accepted as fair. The problem with “nobody’s perfect” is that it propagates this inference that “nobody is perfect, but most people are just fine”. It makes you think that the average person is average across the board— by no means a bronzed god, but no major problems. In reality, some people have a congenital heart disease. Some people have crippling paralyzing disorders. Some people enjoy black licorice. It might not make for a quippy idiom, but nobody’s perfect, and everyone has severely crippling flaws.
14. Learn the difference between light temperatures, and change your bulbs accordingly. You wouldn’t believe the difference it makes in task-heavy and/or chill-prone zones.
15. I hate when people say caramelized when all they really mean is “cooked” caramelizing onions takes like an hour, and it yields these jammy, impossibly sweet strands of mahogany angel pubes. So put some respect on caramelization’s name please.