1. You don’t need to wash your hair every day.
2. Never call New York City “The City”.
3. People drink more at parties with a theme that requires them to look different than they normally do.
4. There is a quiet shame that comes with watching your own snap story again. Feel it in your bones.
5. Curate a downtempo playlist for the digestive intermission between dinner and smangin’.
6. Every house party needs mood lighting, not task lighting. Learn the difference, and darken accordingly.
7. If you’re gonna post a long-ass instacaption, front-load the point. I don’t need to know your bestie du jour’s origins story before smashing the ellipses and peeping the HBD.
8. Find out whether or not your clothes fit.
9. Cop a pack of edible flowers from the herb aisle and freeze a tray of ice cubes. One day these ice cubes will get you blown.
10. Your sock game is not on point just because it’s loud and wacky.
11. If you haven’t learned a viral dance by the time white people have learned it, don’t even start.
12. Say “babes”, not “chicks”.
13. Ask “how’s business” while the employee runs your card. You might find out that your favorite service provider is hitting hard times, and you can rally your network to drum up patronage.
14. Learn a good punch recipe.
15. If you’re playing music for a crowd, constantly and subtly adjust the volume according to what’s happening.
16. “It’s going.” is the only acceptable response to “How’s it going?” that lets strangers know you might be suicidal.
17. Never lose sleep waiting for a text.