1. Everything is negotiable.
2. “Good to meet you” is for business. “Charmed” is for pleasure. “Nice to meet you” is for never.
3. If you buy a cast iron pan now, you might eventually season it well enough to give to your kids by the time you die.
4. Square-toed shoes will keep your sex organs nice and dry for eternity.
5. Eliminate the word “better” from your vocabulary.
6. Nobody over 22 should own any colorful rounded-corner plates.
7. If you ever get those Visa gift cards with like two dollars leftover, use them for internet schemes. Lots of shady stuff requires a credit card, and the card only gets charged a buck or two to verify its validity. 30 or so days later, when the site tries to gouge you, the card will be empty.
8. Save regularly.
9. Get rid of anything that doesn’t bring you joy on a regular basis. If it used to bring you joy, it fulfilled its purpose. Ditch it.
10. Absolutely nobody is allowed to commandeer the aux cord if they ain’t paid to remove ads.
11. Whenever you can, open all the windows, turn on the big fan, and let your house breathe.
12. If you’re only going to eat boring meats, at least leave the skins on them.
13. Pay attention to how much of every conversation you’re spending talking about yourself.
14. Keep a cheap emergency printer around. You never know when you might need a printer at the drop of a hat.
15. “Meme” isn’t just a synonym for “funny picture”.
16. If you make music, please do me a favor and start removing “set you free” from the lexicon. What does that even mean? Maybe try replacing it with “break you off” since that has the same number of syllables.
17. Sometimes cheap white bread is the best choice.
18. There is absolutely no reason to turn your read receipts on.
19. Why would you ever allow push notifications right after downloading a new app? That’s so pushy like dog I barely know what you’re about why are you asking so much of me so soon?
20. You didn’t create anything. You might produce, compose, arrange, or curate, but in the 21st century, there are no more ways to make apple pies.